Dear M, B, T and Q,                                                         

I think it’s clear to all of us that Mom’s not totally herself lately. Sure, we still laugh and dance and joke around, but it’s less often and I’m more distracted in general. I want to take a moment to explain to you what I’m going through because I’ve come to trust that it’s incredibly important for me...well, for all of us, to go through it.

In September I was hit with another wave of grief over your uncle’s death. Throughout the past weeks, I’ve been questioning whether it’s time to lift myself out of my sadness or sit with the heartache. The fact that I would even question this tells me a great deal about the pressure I put on myself to show up every day with a smile, ready to set a good example for you all. I can’t think of a worse example I could set than denying you the opportunity to witness grief. Not what hidden grief looks like, but what acknowledged grief looks like. While everyone experiences loss differently, I don’t want you to think for one second that it insists you put on a happy face for everyone and pretend that you’re not falling apart inside.

This year, I have often pushed the tears down because it wasn’t a convenient time to cry. I’ve neglected feelings because it wasn’t an acceptable time to feel. I’ve kept my emotions inside because I didn’t want to burden others with my sorrow. I have led myself and you to believe that your behavior was at the root of my frustration. And, I’ve tried harder to control our environment because so much feels out of my control. Taking my despair out on someone else through judgmental or hurtful behavior is not acceptable. But when I ignore and deny my feelings, I run the risk of finding fault with those around me in an effort to justify the pain within me. Moving forward, I’d like to promise to cry those tears, and feel those feelings whether it’s an opportune time or not. I’ll try harder to let you know when I’ve had a tough day so you know it’s not you, it’s me. I’ll stop trying to control our environment…ok, no. I’m not going to do this one. Please just pick up your crap for Mommy.

Feelings aren’t something I should be ashamed of or try to avoid. Mama has total faith that this time will pass and I’ll be stronger and better on the other side of it. It’s when we stop depending on others and God that we look for solutions in substances and possessions. I want to teach you that life comes with pain and you don’t have to hide your despair or try to escape it. This is an opportunity for me to work on relying on my family and friends to help me through this and you are a part of that circle. Thank you for your patience and thank you for trying to understand something that can’t really be understood.

I love you,

Mama

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